I.
Although I may never understand the deeper realities of these people, I am dipping beneath the surface, further than any foreigner could. Although I want to know more, I can be satisfied in knowing that these people are more human than anyone I have met here. This is the honest and profound truth and I couldn't have wished for anything better for the future of the country.
These people are the students of my homeroom class at the Japanese high school.
Moreover, I need to try and figure out why I am here now. Is it just to learn Japanese? I wonder...
I don]t want to just wake up in order to survive the day. I want to wake up and be excited. Not excited to get out of the house...
The real lessons of the trip are becoming apparent though: I need to learn to be more confident, without losing any tact. Furthermore, thee trip is a long, hard lesson in tact itself. Every day, everything I say has consequences. I am not exaggerating. Nor am I being unnecessarily dramatic.
It's funny: the things I had wished to accomplish would only have been dreams; but they came true indirectly because of this trip. To me, it will most likely remain unbelievable even many years later...
II.
It did become clear to me, about 11 days into the host family part of the trip, that I have been fatally hypocritical about adolescent social values.
To those involved, and directly hurt by my hypocrisy, I'd like to apologize. It was not place to speak on something-no- to make judgement on something when I hadn't experienced it myself. For this, I am truly sorry. There aren't enough words in the English language to express how I feel. Because I assumed I was wise, without having any experience in the matter was hubris in its most wretched form.
I have transformed. I have evolved. I used to reject change, and now I crave it. I want to know more about loving than I ever wanted to know before. I want to be different, but still keep all the things that make me who I am..keep the good things, get rid of the bad things.
A cleansing.
From the time I started composing this entry until now, quite a bit has happened. I no longer dislike being in the house, and my relationship with my host mother is on the mend.
Predictably, I've also begun to have a greater appreciation for my country. I always loved America, even when its people are stupid. But how can you not love your own country, when the one you're living in has comics with octopuses having sex with teenage girls, special train cars for women because they get molested too often, has one of the highest suicide rates in the world, and grown men and women live with their parents even in college?
I will write more later...probably closer to the end of the trip.
